A Snicket In Hogwarts: Revised Addition: Year 1
by Goin down 2 South Park
Summary: My first fic! Review Please! A snicket relative is sent to hogwarts, NOT in the middle of the year, and NOT from America. Starting in year 1 cause i can't have people pop in from nowhere. REposting, due to it being hard to read before. Please RR!
1. The Train and the Sorting

_Disclaimer: I don't own HP or ASOUE. I pity you if you thought I did.  
_

A/N I'm reposting due to how it was bunched before. Also, I'm putting dislaimers in!

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_Thank god the train didn't leave yet...hmm I still have about 10 minutes left. _This was a girl. She had dark brown hair and hazel eyes. She pulled open the door of one of the last empty compartments. She immediately pulled out her notepad and started to jot things down. A few moments later, somebody knocked at the door.

"The door is open! Come in already! Can't you hear me?!? Open the door already!" the girl, shouted over the loud knocking. "I'm trying to concentrate!" The girl shouted again as the person entered the compartment.

"Um hey. Is anyone sitting here too? My name's Harry Potter, what's yours? I'm new here, are you already a student? What are you concentrating on? Can I sit here?" The boy, Harry Potter, said in a nervous breath.

"Slow down, Harry! In order: no, Marie Snicket, I'm new here too, anagrams, and of course!" Marie responded as Harry took a seat across from her. After a few moments of awkward silence, Marie spoke again. "Did you know your name is an anagram of 'perry hot rat'?"

"Um, no. What is that supposed to mean?" Harry questioned.

"Absolutely nothing! It's just that my family always thought that there was a secret message hidden in everything. It's actually true, at least most of the time. Of course, in your name's case, it spells something, but it's completely useless. It happens," Marie explained rather quickly.

"Who was your family?" Harry asked.

"That's confidential, which means 'I really can't tell you'. Of course, everyone knows about your family, Mr. Harry Potter, but I don't wanna make a big deal about it if you don't want to," Marie explained.

"Oh, ok. I think I'm gonna find another compartment, if that's ok with you." Harry said after this speech. Marie nodded her head as Harry almost gratefully ran out of the compartment. He slid the door behind him and practically ran to the next compartment over.

Without warning, the train whistle blew and the train left the station. Marie sighed. "I hope we get there soon, sitting alone is boring." She leaned back in her seat and was settling in for a nice nap, when some one else entered the compartment.

"Hullo. My name's Ron. Ron Weasley. Can I sit here?" said the boy who just entered.

"Sure. Name's Marie. Marie Snicket." she said as she resettled. "Just when I thought I could take a nice nap." Marie mumbled under her breath.

"The feeling is mutual. Snicket...that's an interesting name. I'll take it that you're not a pure?" Ron said.

"Nope. Muggleborn." Marie said simply. She started to jot more names on her paper.

"Well if you don't mind, I'm gonna take a nap, Marie." Ron yawned out after a few minutes. He got comfy and fell asleep. A few moments later, he woke up. "What'd I miss?!?"

"Absolutely nothing. But the food trolley is coming. Got any wizard cash?"

"Um...no. Do you have any?" Ron said as he emptied his pockets.

"Since I asked you, I would think not." Marie sneered sarcastically. "Why don't we mooch off of someone?"

"Good idea! Any rich people near by?"

"Well, Harry Potter is across the way and he's loaded, or so I've heard." Marie shrugged.

"Oh alright. I'll try to come back with some food, or maybe I'll just signal you." Ron said as he got up and walked across the hall. Marie leaned back in her seat yet again. After about 10 minutes, Ron came back and made a wonderful announcement.

"You're right! He **is** loaded. He bought the whole friggin trolley!" Ron exclaimed. "I invited you in! Come on! Let's eat!" He yelled as he ran back into the other compartment. Marie slowly got up from the couch bench thingy, and did a double take.

"Hooray for candy!" Marie said as she ran into Harry's compartment.

Three hours later the train arrived at hogwarts. "Great, time for the sorting!" Marie sneered sarcastically as the first years entered the Great Hall to be sorted.

Marie entered the Great Hall with a blank expression on her face. _This will be fun._ She sat down with the other random first years. While that hat on the stand, the Sorting Hat was singing it's song, she got out her notebook. As the sorting hat called out names, she took them down. It was a personal goal of hers to find out an anagram for everyone in the class by the end of term. She was so busy making preemptive guesses that she was barely paying attention when McGonagall called out her name.

"SNICKET, MARIE! Hurry up and get to the hat already!" McGonagall shouted, waking the halfdazed Marie. She quickly jumped up and ran into the chair so the hat could sort her.

"Hurry up, you stupid hat!" Marie whispered to the hat. _Don't worry, that's what I don't get paid for. Now then, lemme think...oh boy another challenge..._ "Oh, hurry up already! Just put me in a house, stupid hat!" _oh, fine. _"GRYFFINDOR!" the hat shouted as Marie ran to the gryffindor table.

After Dumbledore made his start of term speech, everyone started to talk while shoving spoonfuls of mashed potatoes and beef in their mouths. "My dad, see when I was little, he taught me all sorts of things, specially bout anagrams and secret messages. He's very cool, Ah, yes, see I'm 100% muggle ya know?" Marie said while putting on a very cheap heavy accent. At this accent, at least three people snorted into their iced tea, or whatever they were drinking.

"You've got some humor skillz, Snicket. Name's Fred. And this lump next to me is my brother George." said...well who else, Fred.

"Lemme guess, you two are Weasley's," Marie said very boredly.

"How ever did you guess!" George...or was it Fred...said in a very mocking tone.

"Now that's the random lump you wanna look out for, ain't that right, Fred" George said as Fred nodded. George pointed towards the guy talking to Harry. "He's Percy, and unfortunately, he just has to be a friggin prefect. If only he had the brains to keep his mouth shut!"

"Oh, it would be glorious! To have the moron stop ratting us out to mom." as Fred continued the statement. Marie snorted into her Coke. "Aha! The Weasley twins..." Fred started

"Always get the last laugh!" as George finished, and Marie snorted once again.

After what seemed like ages, the feast was over, and everyone was escorted to the common rooms. Within moments, Marie was slouched over the couch. "I sleep on couches. Gotta problem?!" She yelled at anyone who stopped at the couch and stared. She was thinking really hard. She needed to make a mark on this school somehow. Unfortunately, After a little while of the yells coming from what she assumed were the Weasley twins and Percy, she conked out on the couch.

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A/N Thanks for reading. RR please!  



	2. Halloween is Over Already

Disclaimer: Don't own ither, nothing changed, don't plan on it, ither.

A/n I bet some of you are wondering why I'm starting in year 1 and not when it counts. Sorry guys, but ya see, If I just throw a person in there, with no background at all, then it'll be too mary-sueish, even though it probably already is. If you guys want, I could skip to sixth year. I promise, it'll be much better, as it'll actually resemble ASOUE a tiny bit, at long last.

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"Do I really hafta wear this uniform? I mean, I can see the robe, but this skirt too?!" Marie protested when she woke up the next morning. Her complaint was met with jeers and a flying tomato. "O, very funny Weasleys! Fine, I'll wear the damn uniform!"

She made her way to the gryffindor table in the Great Hall for breakfast. Her breakfast of choice was, as always, scrambled eggs and bacon. As she shoveled a fork full of egg into her mouth, she looked around the Great Hall. Harry was sitting all the way on the end of the table, and this girl named Hermione was sitting somewhere in the middle. Everything was dead silent. "Great, it's a thrill a minute here, isn't it?" she mumbled "why don't you people ever wake up!?" she yelled to herself.

Just as she was about to fall asleep in a pile of bacon, Fred played a kazoo at the end of the great hall. _Ah, finally some entertainment._

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, freaks and normies! We The weasley twins present-"Fred said after the kazoo. He and George were practically dragging their brother Percy into the Great Hall by his hands and feet, kicking and screaming. At first, she thought that this was it, just dragging in Percy. But as the twins passed the tables and headed to the front, she noticed something: Percy was purple with yellow polka dots.

"-The amazing purple Percy!" George finished. At this, everyone who had been holding in their laughter shrieked in happy laughter. Except for Hermione, who just rolled her head and went back to her breakfast.

"Now hold on, George! You forgot the polka dots!" Fred managed to get out in between laughing.

"Oh, righto Fred. May we present the yellow purple polka dotted Percy!" George said in a correction. Even Hermione managed a chuckle at this. The twins let go of their git of a brother, who ran past the tables as fast as he could. He got to about where Marie was where she decided to take action.

Without a word, she raised her wand and pointed it at Percy's hair. She muttered a spell under her breath. Within seconds, it was blonde, long, and knotty. Percy ran out the door and into the halls being purple, yellow polka dotted blonde haired freak. Everyone was screaming in laughter, it was almost a riot in there. Marie just sat there smirking in between the bouts of laughter.

"Nice job, Snicket," Fred attempted to say. The Twins high fived Marie while most people tried to carry on with breakfast.

"I just wanted to make an impression early," she whispered to the twins. They smiled a bit and then sat down near Ron.

Within minutes, the bell rang and everyone went on with their day. Marie Snicket received high fives from almost everyone, and a sneer and growl combination from Percy. The rest of the week went pretty much normally, and before she knew it, it was Halloween, her favorite holiday.

It was lunchtime, and right after lunch, Marie and all the first year Gryffindors had Charms. It also helps to mention that Charms was Marie's favorite class. Of course, sitting in the Great Hall was one of her least favorite things (except when there was a feast or something cool). To pass the time before Charms, she worked on her anagrams, yet again. It was her goal to figure out at least one interesting non-obvious word in all the first year's names.

Draco Malfoy, resident evil slytherin, stormed into the Great Hall. Marie had already figured out an anagram for him, so as he passed, she slipped him a note, smirked, and went back to work. Draco quickly opened the paper ball and read the note.

Your name, Draco Malfoy, can be rearranged to spell 'Do my car Olaf'. Did you know that 'olaf'' is in your last name no matter what you do?! While you might not understand, please be aware that this is of great interest. Please keep it in mind.

Marie Snicket

As Draco finished reading it, he sneered in Marie's direction and muttered "stupid mudblood!" He crumpled the note up and threw it at Marie.

_Oh well. At least Charms is next! Oh! There's the bell! _Marie ran out the door and into the Charms room.

A few moments after Hermione levitated her feather, Marie got hers to levitate too. Of course, everyone was too busy watching Hermione and congratulating her to notice. As they walked outside to enjoy the afternoon before the Halloween Feast, Marie noticed the Weasley twins doing something hideous to Percy. _Which means it involves some invention, a color, and hanging him upside down._ Marie decided not to interfere, well yet. However, she figured out an interesting anagram of 'Ronald Weasley' and was eager to share it. _That'll give 'em a good laugh!_ She'd announce her news at the feast later on.

The afternoon wore on, and much longer than it seemed, it was time for the feast. Marie practically skipped in to the Great Hall qhispering "Didja know Halloween is my favorite holiday?" to any helpless victim who crossed her path to the table. She took her usual seat in between the twins and Ron. In mere moments, the table was covered with candy, sweets, and ice cream. Marie reached instinctively -_which means without thinking. Ah! Stupid narrating genes!-_ for a pumpkin pasty. After about an hour of stuffing her face, she poked Fred in the shoulder. Fred and George whipped around to Marie.

"What is it, Snicket?" they whispered in unison.

"I thought you'd like to know. If you rearrange some of your brother Ron's name, you wind up with- WENDY!!!" she laughed to the twins. The twins sat there with their mouth open for a second, then laughed almost spastically. Marie looked proud as she helped herself to another pumpkin pasty.

Without warning, Professor Quirrel ran into the Hall and made some sort of announcement about a troll in the dungeons and fainted in front of the teacher table. Mass chaos broke out. Screaming and shouting, and three people were trampled. Dumbledore screamed for everyone to shut up and to be escorted to their common rooms. Marie rolled her eyes as everyone 'power walked' to their dorms. _There goes the Halloween feast..._ She sat there for a few moments, then sighed and trudged her way to the Gryffindor common room.

She lay down on her couch and thought for a while, until a sudden water balloon from the sky hit her and awakened her from her thoughts.

_That means that the twins threw a water balloon at me and pissed me off._ She rose from the couch. "If you throw any more water balloons at me, I will find girl names for you and insist on using them in public!" she shouted at the armed with deadly water balloons twins. They were about to throw another one, with a let's-just-see-you-try-it look on their face, when Marie levitated the balloons away.

"Hey, I actually have a serious question here. Ok, Do you know where Quirrel's office is?" she asked the now unarmed twins.

"Of course we do. We had to serve a rather nasty detention with him just yesterday, ain't that right Fred?" George said.

"Oh, yes. I remember. Had to clean up that dragon skeleton without magic. Stupid git." Fred finished. Marie shuddered, as she decided that she didn't want to know what they did to make them have **that** detention. "His office is on the second floor, right next to the DADA classroom, why?"

"It's just, that if every place he'd be is on the second floor, what was he doing in the dungeons anyway?" Marie asked to herself.

"I dunno. Maybe he and Snape are more than friendly and Quirrel was going down there to wait for him." Fred said mockingly.

"That explains Quirrel's purple turban..." she laughed. "I wonder if there are any anagrams in his name?" she asked. Fred and George shrugged, as if to say "not our problem".

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A/n Again, reposting for clarity, RR please! 


	3. Merry Christmas

Disclaimer: Yet again, I own nothing!

A/N. This is just so I don't get accused of being a mary-sue

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Within days, the conversation of choice switched from trolls in dungeons to first quidditch match. Personally, Marie hated sports, but she figured it would be a good a time as any to prank random people. That was the case until she heard that her partners in crime, the twins, were beaters and couldn't sit in the stands and prank people. Marie came up with a better plan anyway, which she dubbed "Operation: take a nap". And on Nov. 10th, Marie put her well conceived- _which means it's rather brilliant if I do say so myself. Stupid narrating genes..._- plan into action.

For about 30 minutes, she thought she could pull it off. Unfortunately, the cheers and roars from the sidelines made her keep rolling in her seat, meaning she couldn't catch any really good Z's. She shouted "Shut up!! I'm trying to sleep!!" but no one could hear her over their own shouts. When a rogue bludger zoomed past her face, she knew that "Operation: take a nap" was a hideous failure- _meaning that I couldn't sleep in those stands if I wanted. Ah! I **hate** my narrating genes._

As Marie sat there bored, staring ahead in a daze, she pulled out her notebook and started to jot some things down. Hermione, who was sitting next to her, groaned and rolled her eyes. "More anagrams? But they're worthless!"

Marie replied in a very hostile tone "First off, never argue with my uncle's/family's logic. If they say that it's important, then it is and you just accept it! Secondly, I never said it was anagrams! For your information, I'm taking notes on the match with this 'Quick-jot-pen'. And thirdly, I think your missing something very...what..." Marie trailed off. She was staring at something in the air...the Gryffindor seeker...Harry! His broom was out of control. _This is why first years shouldn't be seekers._

She looked around randomly with her binoculars for something else to focus on. She focused on this random hufflepuff kid. She then zoomed into the teacher stands...and looked at the people arousing her suspicions, Snape and Quirrel. They were both staring at Potter. Then again, who wasn't? They were both muttering random gibberish, but then again, it could have been swears. Then a flash of light, a stomping noise and Snape fell down, knocking Quirrel and five other teachers down.

Apparently, some student lit Snapes' long dirty black robes on fire, causing a chain reaction. All Marie wished was that she had been the one to set the fire, but anyhow, Harry's broom was back under control. After a few more boring seconds, Harry Caught the snitch and Gryffindor won the game.

Marie Snicket walked over to the twins after the game. She said in a slight mocking tone "Did you two have anything to do with that Harry-broom thingy?" The twins shook their heads.

"Oh, heaven's no! If we were gonna sabotage some one, it'd be slytherin, not our own seeker!" Fred said in a very interested tone.

"Yeah, Like we'd ruin our own house!" George said in disgust. An awkward silence followed. Then George said, "so what's today's anagram?"

Marie rolled her eyes as she said, "Well, today, I turned Hermione Granger into 'I hang more Green'. It doesn't use every letter, but like I care. I'll send her the note tomorrow."

Time flies when you're having fun, but that can happen to when you're bored out of your mind. Before anyone could count, it was Christmas. Good ole Christmas. And the thought that crossed everyone's mind was 'PRESENTS!!!!' Marie flew down the stairs, awaiting piles and piles of presents. And she was not disappointed, for it seemed as though even if everyone hated you, you got 50 bazillion presents anyway. Without thinking, Marie ripped open all the wrapping paper.

In the first three boxes, one from Fred, one from George, and one from Ron, she found all sorts of candy. Ron got her some every flavor beans, Fred got her some pumpkin pasties, and George got her some chocolate frogs. _All the stuff I need to become the Goodyear blimp._

When Harry got his invisibility cloak, which everyone within the whole house knew within five minutes, it instantly sparked conversations about their families. After three minutes of random chatter, Harry announced, "Let's hear from Snicket, the anagram queen!" almost sarcastically. The idea was met with cheers from everyone up at the time, and Marie was pushed into a sloppy circle of Gryffindors on new present highs. People all around her were silent as she began.

"Well, My dad's name is Jacques. My mom's name is Sandra. I have an uncle named Lemony." she started. A few people started to giggle. "What? His name really is Lemony. He's an author. We used to live in a big mansion, but it was destroyed in a huge fire. My dad, and everyone in my family, are really cool, very funny, slightly sarcastic, and super secretive. Lemony's...well, the details get kinda sketchy, if you wanted the whole story I'd ask him, fiancée Beatrice died in that fire...he hasn't quite gotten over it. An evil guy named Count Olaf set the fire. He's a known arsonist, meaning he likes to set things on fire. Houses and even people sometimes. He's gone after many houses and places, but the more money you have, then the more chance you have of him showing up."

"Sounds like this guy is a total bastard!" said Pravati. She was rewarded with some hard stares from at least three people.

"Nothing gets by you, Captain Obvious. Now, attention back to me!" she said. As if on cue, everyone's heads turned back to Marie's general direction. "Alright. Now three families are marked by the guy, meaning he ruins our lives more than usual. Those are, The Baudelaires are the latest addition. Olaf hasn't gotten to the 'burn our house down' phase yet, but we can expect it sometime soon. I know he will, I read it somewhere. The Quagmires, Good people with sapphires and sorta new, and the Snickets, which are the oldest. Anyway, that's about it! Now let me out of this circle before I start calling you all girl names!" Marie shouted as she shoved her way out of the circle. She stood next to the twins and Ron. "That went better than expected." she whispered. Then the Weasleys laughed.

She noticed Percy approaching from across the common room. She motioned to Ron for a water balloon. All of a sudden, Percy was soaked from four different balloons. He screamed, then ran back up to his dorm and cried. Everyone still standing there laughed and a few managed to fall to the ground.

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A/n Thanks for reading! RR please! Please RR! 


	4. A Letter from Jacques

Thanks to Sirius's girl708 for my first review!

Disclaimer: Everything you recognize belongs to either JK Rowling or Lemony Snicket.

A/N Thanks for reviewing, everyone who may have reviewed this.

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Marie sat in the great hall playing chess with Ron. Ron was the self proclaimed chess master, and Marie was out to change that. So far, it was an exactly even game. For every piece Ron took, Marie took another. Harry sat in a daze watching the battle of wits, and Hermione studied for exams, which were 3 months away.

Fred and George stormed into the hall about midway into Marie and Ron's third game. They sat next to Marie and started whispering as Ron took her castle.

"Got any plans for April fool's day? It's our birthday, you know." Fred and George said in unison. Marie rolled her eyes as she took Ron's bishop. _That explains a lot..._

"Actually, I do...It involves Percy, some soap, and u guys making him run in here. I'll also need all the nuts you can get." She whispered as she took Ron's other bishop. "Oh, And my birthday is D-day, June 6th."

"Cool. We'll be sure to get him in here...we'll swipe some peanuts and walnuts from the kitchens...sounds cool," the twins shouted excitedly as they left the Great Hall.

"Um...Marie, it's your turn." Ron said after he took her queen. Marie paused for a moment and then flashed a triumphant smile. She moved her remaining bishop and said, "checkmate!"

Ron groaned as he angrily declared for another rematch. About five games later, they decided that they could rule as self-proclaimed king, and queen, of the chessboard.

It was mail time and, as usual, all the owls came flying in with all the letters, Prophets, and howlers. For the first time since she got sorted, she actually got a letter. She excitedly tore open the envelope, and expected some wonderful news from home.

However, as she looked down at the note in front of her, her face went blank with shock.

**Dear Marie, **

** Your mom died just a few days ago, at our house. Count Olaf was not involved, to the best of my knowledge. Sorry Marie. I guess it's just you and me and Lemony -hey that rhymed- from now on. At least for once it did not end in fire.**

** With all due respect,**

**Jacques Snicket**

**"**Oh, no! Oh No no no no no no no!!!! This can NOT be happening!" she shouted as loud as she could. She screamed and yelled and started to cry and pounded her fists on the table She quickly tried to rationalize. _At least Olaf wasn't involved...for once. At least the house isn't on fire...for once. At least Jacques isn't dead _(yet).

Marie grabbed her letter while scrunching it in her hand. She threw it, aiming for the trash can. Only it never reached the trash can. At that unfortunate moment, Draco Malfoy stood up just in time to be hit in the head with a flying letter. Draco spun around quickly as he raised his wand at Marie, the apparent culprit. _Oh no..._

"So you think it's funny throwing your stupid letter at people who are more important, do you?" Malfoy yelled angrily. Marie had to control herself from laughing. "I thought so, you filthy mudblood! And you think your funny with your lame anagrams and messages everywhere!?" Malfoy yelled so loudly that almost everyone in the Hall turned around to look at them.

He uncrumpled the note that landed on him, and read it in a glance. He then threw it angrily into Marie's face. "Well, I for one, am tired of you." To Marie's shock, about five people applauded his statement. "I'm almost glad that your mom died." He said as he turned around and stormed out of the hall.

Marie sat there frozen for a solid minute as she started to cry. Then she threw her books down, grabbed her wand, and ran after Malfoy. She quietly tapped him on the shoulder.

Malfoy spun around to stand face to face with Marie. "What do you want now?!" he shouted as he spat on here.

"This." She said calmly. Without another word, she quickly turned his face red and made his clothes flash gryffindor colors.

"That was for saying you're glad my mom is dead." She said as he doubled over clutching his ribs. She smirked at him, turned on her heels, and ran to Transfigurations.

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A/N this is cool.. I can't have people appear out of nowhere, cause that would be very lame. I'm thinking of letting a certain one-eyebrowed tattooed villain become a certain viable position. Send me your thoughts. 


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